|My Dad and Me|
I received a phone call from my biological father earlier this week, whom I have chosen not to remain in contact with…. for personal reasons. Now before you start to get all judgmental, hear me out. I’m going to make this as short as possible, covering my own personal experience with him.
It’s no secret that my biological father was an absentee father for a majority of my upbringing. During those times in which he was present, there were a combination of good times and bad times, but who doesn’t experience this, especially when the father daughter relationship is hit or miss at best.
There are many layers to this story; however, this is the message I’d like to share for times’ sake. I lost my mother 39 days after my 16th birth day, realizing that I only had one parent left, I sought out to build a relationship with my biological father. I not only needed it, I earnestly desired it because I considered myself to be a “Daddy’s Girl.”
Well, needless to say, it was a trying period for me. I’d ask questions about him to understand my past and of things that happened during my childhood that I could remember or about stories that I’d heard. See, my father had been very abusive physically and verbally to my mother... So, we’d have taxing conversations to try and resolve past hurts and disappointments so that we could move forward creating a healthier relationship (So I thought).
After years of trying and going back and forth with the emotional and verbal abuse I’d received, I decided one day to have a heart to heart talk with him about it. I told him that I love him, but that I loved me more and wasn’t going to subject myself to any more negativity on his part as I had grown tired of the emotional roller coaster.
I told him that I was making a conscious choice to do this, because it was hurting me and it was very apparent to me that it didn’t faze him. You see, when an individual like my biological father can’t forgive themselves of their past, mishaps and wrong doings, it makes it challenging to interact with them especially when you’ve forgiven them, asked for forgiveness for any hurt or pain that you may have caused as well as expressed to them that God has forgiven them too…
I’d love to have a healthy relationship with my biological father, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my sanity and emotional well being. Here, years later the energy is still the same. He keeps saying that “People are still mad and holding on to the past!” But the truth is his pride won’t allow him to forgive himself and move on. He hasn’t learned to “Feel, Deal and Heal” as Iyanla Vanzant would say.
Message to Parents:
Your children (young or old) didn’t ask to come here. Whether they were planned or not, your children shouldn’t have to bear your burdens, or be made to feel some kind of way about them.
It’s about taking responsibility for your own actions and dealing in truth because “Hurting People Hurt People.” Parents who hurt themselves bring that same hurt to the relationship with their children if they aren’t balanced mind, body and spirit.
This “hurt” more times than not, manifest itself into abuse, rearing its ugly head as playing mind games, being manipulative, beating the child excessively and even bullying them to a certain extent. So don’t be too surprised if your child or children choose to forgo their relationship with you in order to maintain a since of peace within themselves as adults…
The days of a child being seen and not heard, “KILLS THE SPIRIT and DESTROYS THEM EMOTIONALLY.” Remember, YOU TEACH (via your actions and words) your children how to respond, relate and communicate with you… For You Are Their First Teacher(s).
Message to Our Young People:
You should Honor your Mother and Father… That is to RESPECT Them. Respect Them AS Your Parents. Be respectful in speaking your truth. You do have a voice and that voice should be heard…
And though your parents aren’t perfect and didn’t come with a manual on how to “Raise Children,” this still doesn’t give them the right to mistreat or abuse you “JUST BECAUSE” they are your parents... Kids Are People and They Have Feelings Too!
GOD LOVES ME… And He saw the condition of my heart. Knowing that I desired to have that father daughter relationship so much so, that He sent a father figure (who’s also my spiritual teacher) into my life over thirteen years ago to ensure that I received that which I needed and desired, filling that void.
It’s a blessing to know that where one father isn’t able to or willing to fulfill his position as a “Daddy in His Daughter’s Life,” another man will. And for the young ladies that long to have a relationship with their biological father, God IS WELL ABLE, yet your biological father has to have the will. But, I LOVE HIM STILL, With the LOVE OF GOD….